laurendipity

for my photography class, i need to take portraits of a few people. would you like to be a subject? (you can contribute ideas as well, if you participate, because it should be a good representation of you as a person)

Glamorous Soul 56% Tastefulness, 62% Originality, 69% Deliberateness, 59% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy] You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal. Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style. Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would become greatly your sexy, mysterious self. The opposite style from yours is Fashion Enemy [Flamboyant Conventional Random Prissy]. All the categories: Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess) Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 40% on Tastefulness You scored higher than 86% on Originality You scored higher than 91% on Deliberateness You scored higher than 80% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

what do you listen to when you write? (for school, things wher eyou need to be quick and productive)

the only thing that seems to work for me is simon and garfunkel and the who. i need new things. i've been on this stuff since high school whenever i'm desperate. suggestions!

but that doens't mean you can throw yourself into trying to fix things because everything is a two way street.

yesterday vicki said the nicest thing i've heard in a very long time. it was simple but great. we were out, and we've hung out a lot lately..a lot for these university years. its nice. oddly things feel like level 5 high school. but in a good way..that comfort of finally knowing where you're at (even though its disatisfying know you're near the end as well). anyway, she said she felt like she was really living that night. and i felt great. cause thats all you can ask out of a moment, and i want everyday to have moments like that, where you know you're doing exactly what you want to be doing and your face can even hurt from smiling at times. then we said we loved eachother, as nic told me today too...and yes, friends are good. the ones from grade five are the best. and i feel so lucky in that. we're going to see the world one of these months. i'm telling you. but we might start in fiction because thats my next project.

ray and i make up plans for the months to come and we are happy in looking farther away, because the present is so insane and uncontrollable and not quite 'living' because you know you have to run through it instead of walk. i'd rather walk given the choice, i know i'm missing some great things, or not embracing them as i should..but when there's that much to do you just try your best.

my apartment smells like glue and soon to be spray paint and my braincells are depleting but its all for art.
fuck i have to learn how to use a highly intimdating camera. and write my new draft for which i've lost complete objectivity by default of just trying too hard and being at it for too long without a really needed thought break.

my roommate's a keeper. thanks sarah. peanut butter by the spoon, singing lessons, concerts, painting, writing and kwando, sums up lately. i need to read anne frank. and after that, of course, i have to read a book i was accused of having lost/stolen for about a year, 'a heartbreaking work of staggering genius'. i mean, guess whose favorite book it is. and so it goes.

the line ray kept saying all month was that our parents can't fix things anymore and he wished they could. i don't remember mine fixing things, but i do know the stakes have been lower than this, thats for sure.
i'm on the verge of something thats been in my heart for years, its evolved and grown and got prettier and more real and with crazy hard work it was weeks away.

and then a professor with the authority to grant us 'greenlight' (meaning we can take equipment out) comes along, doesn't get my sense of humor or my story, or that music can carry something, thinks i'm bubblegum cause i'm a girl...comes along and barely reads the thing and stops everything. or at least tells me i don't have greenlight yet, not to rush for it without listening to the other factors like locations and actors and practically shoos me out of his office, i try to make more meetings but he's unavailable and doens't suggest alternate times.

i want to scream and i'm so confused and lost and frustrated and , wait..heh, am i really an artist then? apparently...this feels like shit.

more later maybe, no time.

producing constantly give me that feeling that jerry maguire has when he hangs up his phone after trying to get some cliients after he's fired. that is how much i dread business calls lately. and because the phone does just ring tha tmuch. almost everyday even on the answering machine i can hear there was call waiting htat didn't get answered cause it was the machine.


but I WENT TO THE FESTIVAL and saw exactly what i needed to see at the festival. something magical that i would not have seen otherwise. 'citizen dog'. awesme music. amelie meets wild zero with a little 'everyone says i love you'

i have avenue q in my head 'the more you ruv someone the more you want to kill them'
my parents go out of town tomorrow and i don't want them to. i feel lost with my filmy things...like questions about car insurance. i'm not used to this stuff. producing is like running a mini world. all the factors of everything you need to do come down except you have to manage everything...and it makes you want to...argghhhh

le stress. aimee mann: going through the motions baby, is the cue that popped into my brain that i leave you with this second.

being at the film fest tonight and seeing something so great and different and amazing made me think of what i saw 2 years ago there. and the state of mind i had. the things you never see coming. and the more six feet under i watch the more i really think life is short (duh), but really how important living for the day is. you can only do that so much on your own, though.

the vendor said 'yesterday i serve hot dog to the johnny depp!'

haha. this made me miss working at mac during tiff. the city has a great buzz at bay and bloor this time of year. not to be starstruck..just the energy is amazing. i don't like pointing fingers.

fireworks ||| ear to the ground: VOTED BEST TORONTO FIASCO 2005 says: (11:45:11 PM)
   lauren

fireworks ||| ear to the ground: VOTED BEST TORONTO FIASCO 2005 says: (11:45:15 PM)
   go lie down for a bit

fireworks ||| ear to the ground: VOTED BEST TORONTO FIASCO 2005 says: (11:45:19 PM)
   you've clearly gone nuts


script meetings are scary when you agree with all criticism but want answers rather than new questions. if ever i ask you for feedback, tell me what you really think and please fight me for it..i know i'm a good arguer but i'll thank you for the fight in the long run, and it will be stimulating. i'm stubborn and it can hurt me at times. i wish more of this had surfaced sooner.

other news: have spent tons of time designing lately...about to print about 20 posters tomorrow...thank you for your beautiful printer i'm about to abuse. full color, seconds, and free.

ebay for wardrobe for film is addictive and dangerous...

and people agreeing to things and quitting no notice puts people MORE BEHIND THAN HAD YOU NOT tried TO HELP...so aahhhhh iw ant to scream.


TO GET AS MUCH FUN ART DEC STUFF DONE THIS WEEKEND...I AM HAVING A GET TOGETHER. IF YOU ARE INTERSTED PEOPLE COME!
we will make any kinds of things...fake album covers, paint records, design tshirt stuff...many many 'sneezer' aka fake early good era weezer stuff...as well as any 1950s memorabillia ish stuff we can create...as well as whatever we can make of stuff for the 6 o'clock malt shop people to have up. THIS IS ALL FUN AND BOLD ...and we'l play good music or watch good movies...and SO YOU SHOULD COME! WE MIGHT MAKE MALTS!!! ideas/suggestions are soooo appreciated.

GOOD THINGS.

week #1 with my new roommate is over and i could not be happier. we've had dinner together and with nic (nice to mix good friends), bonded over boy stuff, and we are actually in a similar place right now which helps a lot...today we wandered around for hours till surprisingly most of the day had gone by (st laurence market, some prop and set scouting..and some mac freebies for me). we havve watched way too much six feet under and gilmore girls already..and we each have a blanket and a pillow at one end of the couch and i think its cute. i went out for someone in film's bday and brought her...it was fun,a nd she mixed well with them. she's a few years older so i was happy that that was cool. alcohol doesn't hurt. drunk people like to physically pick up (no, not hit on, just pick up) me. and aaron. so yeah, its nothing sexy, but it cracks me up. funny getting introduced to a group of new people being carried over with no control, and then getting someone you know to try saving you. and when its the bday person doing it you have to cut some slack i guess.
in short, you all need to meet michelle because she is so great i should send sarah a thank you card for being instrumental in this happening.

so after thursday night i didn't get enough sleep for friday and so my voice was a little hoarse..but not hoarse at all compared to how it is today after going to see sloan and TGID. to sum it up and be cheesy, i'm speechless at how much fun that was. both were awesme shows, and i feel magic when there are sparklers at TGID, but there was noone to dnace with this time. the rivoli always makes me want to slow dance.

i pitched on thursday..which felt fantastic. its over. one big milestone in a way, but its really the tip of the iceberg. i've had a few days of classes but it feels like months worth of pressure have built up...cause then have...every month i've been at ryerson has built up to this. i hope one day i'm in a positon to actually pay people to work on my film, if i end up doing this, because then i can really expect things out of people..and i hope when i'm in independants people will work as hard as they aren't getting paid. heh. cause i do..and thats the only way to start. in the words of paris in gilmore girls (unexpeced i know)..'why does it always feel like noone will ever care about things as much as i do'..or something along those lines.

i shouldn't, but i like singing with my half gone voice. maybe i get more freedom with it because its as if i'm singing with someone else's voice. i recorded guitar and a cover of 'romeo and juliet' a few minutes ago. raspy is fun. but i need to stop talking for a day or something. tomorrow! cause i'll see a play and sit in the car and hopefully not make too many phone calls.

today i've had this idea from thiking about arthur miller's play, AFTER THE FALL floating around. there is this character, i forget her name but she's supposed to be marilyn monroe. she's pretty crazy and needy in this play. and so many people walk around all the time pretending they don't need what they need and trying not to need what they know they want, and i wonder if thats really the weaker thing to do. this girl may have been crazy, but maybe she's crazy because in that world everyone else is repsressing thigns so you're insane by contrast in letting things out.
everyone needs to be strong but what defines it? i think having the strength to go with your gut and heart is worth more. strength in holding things in maybe isn't strength.

i went to sabrina's bday tonight. had a lot more fun than i had expected. it was really nice to see carlo (who was in LOBBY HERO, the first major thing i ever did).. i'm going to try to help him with his portfolio to get into ocad. i'm eternally grateful to the few people who were involved in that play. it really changed my life and i hope to do a better job staying in touch (there were a couple others i haven't seen in awhile). he's grown up now and its nice to be able to talk on another level, and help, cause i got so much from what he gave me, even though it was a long time ago. i wanted to strangle him at times but that change makes seeing him so long after nicer.

in other news, sleep with have to wait for death if my schedule continues like this.

i want an electric guitar...its hard to be sitting and playing and have boobs and have good postuer at the same time. they also get in the way with pool and golf. damnit!

if you could get drunk right now with a famous writer who would it be, why, and what would you want/what do you think they'd tell you?


i say...tonight at least, neil labute. i think he's so dark he's gotta have a really intersting softer side that would have more hope than i'd expect off the bat. and that would be encouraging.

cause there was a bit of a sign i listened to 'the blower's daughter' and decided if i did more i'd cry.

so i switched to me and ryan's beach boys covers and things like that.

my hair reminds me of the pilot episode of 'my so-called life'.


if signals come a week apart and they're very mixed does the time in between nullify them?

it was probably the last first day of school. the malt shop cd art rocks, thanks zaiden and the actors and..me!



told mark about my substandard audition...which was more of an outer body experience. so don't try flatlining, just get scared for no reason when you know you ahve no reason to be scared.

people are confusing. so confusing. everywhere. kwando just doesn't do enough for it all. hehe.



ok so really i need to snuggle and cry and listen to really good music till the good music doesn't hurt to listen to. when oh when. why oh why. i am smiling now. not sure why. to make sure the tone isn't too ridiculous.

will you make the techno thats been going 24/7 next door stop?

i wish tomorrow was nexxt week, if not further from now. school starts and i'm going to blink, it'll be over, and i'll have to figure out so so many things.


ray was down and so, to prevent myself from being equally down i had to work so freaking hard to bring him up and be positive about what we'rre doing now...by the end of it i sounded like a coach. and i've never been on a team sport team. he thought i was ridiculous, but it was the level of where he was that really brought that out of me. i want to scream. i don't want to deal with now. and i wish stumbling upon pictures wasn't sort of painful.

dare i watch love me if you dare...this is like second term last year. so much to focus on till filming that why make myself vulnerable. i can be, but i can't be the first one to put themselves out there, not now. i'll always be here. i want to be out there.
rilo kiley: with every broken heart we should become more adventurous.

its very very seldom that my dad and his siblings are all in the same room, with their kids. that happened last night. when i hear scattered stories of growing, instead of feeling like i know more, i just see more and more holes in everything that i didn't know existed. especially with ray reading one of my grandpa's giant war survival stories. there is way too much i don't know, and the more i learn the more i realize i still need to learn.

i think my dad was the favorite child, thereby making me the favorite grandchild (and on my mom's side i'm the only grandchild). my cousins told me stories about crazy behavior on my grandfather's part and i can't physically imagine most of it, but then again he treated my uncle a lot different than my dad, my uncle was the eldest so he got it the worst. i'm not sure what's what. or if my dad doesn't tell me much because he's a positive person and doesn't want to dwell, or because he wants it to be easier for me to love my grandfather. i did go through a phase where i really resented him, but that was for reasons far less than i know now, but its hard not having experienced much directly. he's treated me with far more respect than i deserve, but i'm who he wants me to be, by coincidence, ambitious and more afraid of not pursuing something than failure. the others are more normal. and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that, but they get lectures and i get apologies for taking up my time. it could all be more balanced.

i got a small window of the craziness that is my family, that is every family this weekend. i'm just lucky that in most respects i'm a degree away from it. it made me feel bad for when i've said about someon'e else's. when you get seriously into a relationship you get invited to more and more family things and its hard to know what to say after. i think about what could be said about my family, what suggestions made to improve things and i feel bad about one particular night. i'm sure there'll be chances to apologize eventually.

on a six feet under episode, something claire said stuck with me this week, 'just because we're not starving doens't mean we can't hope for things to be better', and i guess thats the attitude i have that might make me seem ungrateful or unhappy sometimes. but really, where do you have left to go if you don't ever want to evolve or change anything. i can argue both sides of this. its in my head now. and how old do people have to be to really be stuck in their ways?

in other news, my roommate kicks your roommates ass. feels like a close friend already. so easy to talk to. so easy to sit on her bed talking and not notice an hour pass in a second.

my cousins are here this weekend and i regret (not that its mine to regret) that we don't live in the same city. being an only child, and having them as my only first cousins it means more and more the older i get.
i always got/get occasionally jealous of people like maggie and ray who have all these family obligations...but it also gives you so many loyal options all over the place. if you're lucky and its right, that is. i know that big families don't always mean much. but i've got a few nice examples around me. katie invited me to go to the ukranian ball in montreal..i forget when it is..its their new years but its at a different time of year.

i tried to order an amaretto sour tonight and got a look. i had a screwdriver. ya know, some vitamin c. we went to this hungarian restaurant that has the best schnitzel that we go to everytime we have family in time..and now that i think everyone's been we'll head somewhere else next time for a change.

ray and i didn't make it to the ex. i was #2 at the auditions, where i didn't fully satisfy myself to say the least, but most of the point of going at this stage (knowing these are contracts i coudln't even accept) is to get hte practice so when it is important id ont' crack underpressure. ie voice crack under pressure. i didn't even feel like i was in the room at the time, i felt like i was watching it, or in my body at the moment, but not in control at the moment.
but i've mastered the job interview, its only a matter of time before i master the audition.

michelle moved in today and i'm maturely optimistic (if i just say i'm optimistic everyone will think of the fact that this is about to be my 4th roommate and all the other stories come to mind...). the place looks the best it's ever looked, as a combination of our stuff...its nice, cozy, and i intend to try keeping my door open a whole hell of a lot, to make dinner together, and just be good roommates. already feels like we're friends.

yesterday ray told me that he feels like getting out of canada, that he's had enough and that would mean leaving me and that was the saddest thing he could do and that he could never replace me. he's got an aunt and uncle in london and france. isn't that nice. the longer i'm in toronto the smaller and emptier it feels. i don't know where i feel like i'm from. thinking about new york feels so warm but that'll never be the same again either, i'll never be there with the same people. EVERYTHING IS RIDICULOUSLY FINITE. and now, off to bed to either watch six feet under or read a book about suicide (nick hornby's LONG WAY DOWN)--which i am really liking.

monday and onward everything will get crazy with pitching, working filming, and trying to live the hell out of my last year of school. i'm going to film production the shit out of it, so to speak.

i never knew his name
as he called to me
pleading with his eyes
suddenly so wise
trying not to cry
now he's gone and i
never knew his name

and the second one is the upbeat fun slutty belty one

i choose the kind who cannot introduce the girl he's with
there's lot of smirking hotel clerks who call me mrs. smith
but i've made a name with hotel detectives who break down doors
guess who they expect to see?
you can always count on, bet a large amount on, you can always count on me


yay for singing it makes me happy

tonight when i walked home i had foo fighters 'up in arms' in my head. who knows why..sometimes its nice to walk without music cause i somehow end up with a soundtrack anyways. most of the time.

and then if its quiet i'll mumble it under my breath to myself because i don't mind.



the shoot today was tons of fun, many thanks to will. love my actors. i will be so sad when this is over.

i am obsessed with kwando and i am getting in pretty good shape again.

the movie is awesome and things are falling into place, although i always feel like i'm pulling too much weight. learning my guitar part today was fun..its going to take some practice, cause there are tons of chords and kinds of picking i'd never done..but i like the opportunity to make me learn some new guitar stuff for a change. yay!

has anyone been to the ex this year? i think i'm going with ray soon to celebrate our 3rd year best frienship anniversary. this joke is that we might die there on a shitty ride that breaks. he says at least' we'll be happy. hehe.

why am i feeling constantly worse instead of better?

my parents are in love with my new roommate whom they haven't met (but, oh they've read apprently glowing reference letters). yes, i like her a lot. luckily. but this is bringing back the weirdest old old memories of me feeling like they always treated other kids better...friends at the house, cousins visiting, its making me upset in a stupid way.

and they've been over twice this week to help ge the place ready. and they did'tn do this for other people. and they comment on how gross stuff like the carpet is..when all stains were they when we moved in.



i cut myself off now in the recognition of how boring this post is. but yes, spending the night steam cleaning a carpet can depress a girl. especially when in the back of her mind, she was hoping for much better things.

also. on the realm of love and feeling better...i seem to be feeling progressively worse instead. on many accounts.

malt shop vocals were rerecorded tonight
and its monday night and i'm in love with them

these actors are so talented, especially musically. we casted so right.

since i got home i've felt like the summer's been over...but this has been the most productive, creatively, summer of my life.

maybe other than when i learned to paint. but thats so different. i feel very proud of myself tonight. there are other pieces missing but film and art and work feels so very full.

you can see what happened a week a go today to me! http://www.zaiden.com/lb/ will is quite freaking talented, if i may say so myself.

my body feels tired but my mind is running.
i don't always like watching people act so differently depending on who they're with. i'm usually better one on one.

nic and had a mini dance party that rocked and i made fish tacos and tiramisu.

there are only 8 pages left in this blank book i've had going since the end of high school where i always end up writing when my heart's broken. its always made me feel better, and its so strange looking back on it because more than anything else, it can place me in exact moments and i remember reasons and loves and things i'd blocked out. in other words, i should burn it! heh...but seriously, the strange thing i always had in the back of my mind was that when the book was finished there would be no more of that stuff. no more bad teenage bedroom poetry and no more...like i'd be in a different stage. now it could take awhile to write those pages. but i wanted to be somewhere else by the time they were done. maybe when its done the next book will only be things that are set to music, to force me to really learn guitar.

its sort of fun to fake your own death choking on tiramisu powder. the end.

rehearsal #2 went fabulously. we are starting to gel and thats what i wanted with the luxury of more rehearsal time. i'm liking everything more and more all the time.

murderball was amazing. you must go out and see it now. its playing at the bloor, check it out while you still can. one of the best movies of the year.

when you can it feels better to let yourself follow you heart every so often. last night that made me happy with a phone call. today its ironic and teasing me again because i just found out klosterman is going to be at the horseshoe for free on wednesday, and if ever there was someone i was meant to go to that event with, its easy to say who. break the rules. what do i do? i can't be me this time.

got my marks from new york today. best i've ever done in my life. if i'd done a 4 year program like this it would have opened so many doors. a weights been lifted in reading these. its extremely encouraging and is just making me more ambitious by the second, but at the same time i have to know that i cannot do everything at the same time (ie yes i should try to keep up dance, but its not as high on the list as other things)

scheduling's becoming a nightmare and so we might be doing vocals on monday. i'm annoyed at myself for not rushing to get the music to the actors earlier, but i didn't anticipate a full two week span of noone being in the city at the same time.

there was a power failure tonight while i was out and the bulb to the big lamp in my room also burnt out. crappy.